Fear & Pride

It’s 3.40am and I can’t sleep. So often I fall into bed exhausted and drift off within minutes, only to be wide awake each night at this time. Cancer is undoubtedly on my mind at this hour. My mind turns the same thoughts over and over, and it’s preferable to get up for an hour or two than to lie there with my darkest thoughts. I spoke last week of having nightmares but didn’t go into detail. When I’m afraid, it’s hard to speak the words out loud but often fear is better faced head on and I feel better for having voiced and acknowledged what I’m thinking. My nightmares always follow a similar theme – they’re never about cancer, but a struggle of some other sort. A fire or a drowning situation, in which I’m powerless to save the girls. I always wake mid-nightmare (usually screaming and gasping for breath), so never know the outcome of the scenario, but it doesn’t take a specialist in dreams to recognise the link between these nightmares, cancer and the lack of control/ability to rescue my loved ones. Another way for my mind to process the trauma; things inevitably always seem better in the morning.

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